1 . You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, ‘Hey, guys, watch this.’
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are ‘Gentlemen, start your engines.’
11. You lit a match in the kitchen when you smelled gas and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, Silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, “Paw, What’s ‘at?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain’t got no idea’r what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
Log On : Makin’ the wood stove hotter.
Log Off : Don’t add no wood.
Monitor : Keepin’ an eye on the wood stove.
Download : Gettin’ the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz : When yer not careful down loadin’.
Floppy Disk : Whatcha git from pilin’ too much firewood.
Ram : The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive : Getting’ home in the winter season.
Prompt : What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows : What to shut when it’s below 15 below.
Screen : What ‘cha need for the black fly season.
Byte : That’s what the flies do.
Chip : What to munch on.
Micro Chip : What’s left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared : Where the left-overs go when Fred’s around.
Modem : What ‘cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix : Farmer Matrix’s wife.
Lap Top : Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard : Where ya hang your keys.
Software : Them plastic eatin’ utensils.
Mouse : Whats eats the horses grain.
Main Frame : Hold up the barn roof.
Port : Fancy wine.
Enter : C’mon in.
Random Access Memory : You can’t remember whatcha’ paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.
You’re A Redneck If……..
01. You think “loading the dishwasher” means getting your wife drunk.
02. You ever cut your grass and found a car
03. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren’t.
04. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
05. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.
06. Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
07. You own a homemade fur coat.
08. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
09. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
10. Your wife has ever said,”come move this transmission so I can take a bath”.
11. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
12. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
13. You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
14. Birds are attracted to your beard.
15. Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
16. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
17. You have the local taxidermist’s number on speed dial.
18. You’ve ever hit a deer with your car….. deliberately.
19. Your school fight song was, “Dueling Banjos”.
20. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
21. You’ve ever given rat traps as gifts.
22. You clean your fingernails with a stick.
23. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
24. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
25. Your mother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
26. Every socket in your house breaks the fire code.
27. You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.
28. There are more than 5 McDonald’s bags in your car.
29. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
30. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
31. You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
32. The tail light covers on your car are made of red tape.
33. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
34. You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
35. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
36. You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
37. You’ve ever bought a used cap.
38. You have ever taken a fishing pole to Sea World.
39. You consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper entertainment.
40. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
41. You have ever spray painted your girl friends name on the overpass.
42. You’ve ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
43. The primary color of your car is bondo.
44. You see no need to stop at the rest stop, cause you have an empty milk jug.
45. The directions to your house include “Turn off the paved road”.
46. You consider the fifth grade as your senior year.
47. You have ever used a rag as a gas cap.
48. You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while your at work.
49. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
50. Your name is Earl and you have a brother named Earl.
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