So, where ya’ll from?

A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane.

The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, “So, where ya’ll from?”

The Northern girl said, “From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.”

The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, “So, where ya’ll from, bitch?”

300 You might be a redneck…

300 Reasons you might be a Redneck…

Thank you Jeff Foxworthy!

  1. You think “loading the dishwasher” means getting your wife drunk.
  2. You ever cut your grass and found a car.
  3. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren’t.
  4. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
  5. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.
  6. Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
  7. You own a homemade fur coat.
  8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
  9. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
  10. Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.”
  11. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
  12. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
  13. You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
  14. Birds are attracted to your beard.
  15. Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
  16. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
  17. You have the local taxidermist’s number on speed dial.
  18. You’ve ever hit a deer with your car…deliberately.
  19. Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.
  20. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
  21. You’ve ever given rat traps as gifts.
  22. You clean your fingernails with a stick.
  23. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
  24. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
  25. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  26. Your mother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
  27. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
  28. You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.
  29. There are more than five McDonald’s bags in your car.
  30. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
  31. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
  32. You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
  33. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
  34. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
  35. You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
  36. You think “taking out the trash” means taking your in-laws to a movie.
  37. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
  38. You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
  39. Your considered an expert on wormbeds.
  40. Your kids take a siphon hose to “Show and Tell.”
  41. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
  42. You’ve ever bought a used cap.
  43. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
  44. You pick your teeth from a catalog.
  45. You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
  46. You’ve ever stolen toilet paper.
  47. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
  48. People hear your car a long time before they see it.
  49. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
  50. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
  51. You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
  52. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
  53. You’ve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
  54. You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
  55. You go to a stock car race and don’t need a program.
  56. You’ve ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
  57. you have ever used lard in bed.
  58. you own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.
  59. you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.
  60. your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  61. someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
  62. The primary color of your car is bondo.
  63. directions to your house include “Turn off the  paved road.”
  64. your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
  65. you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
  66. you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
  67. Jack Daniels makes you list of most admired people.
  68. your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
  69. you see no need to stop at a rest stop ’cause you have an empty milk jug.
  70. you consider the fifth grade you senior year.
  71. you have a rag for a gas cap.
  72. the dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
  73. you have a hefty bag where the window of your car should be.
  74. you have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.
  75. your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
  76. Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
  77. you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while  you’re at work.
  78. your dad walks you to school because you’re in  the same grade.
  79. you view the next family reunion as a chance to  meet girls.
  80. your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
  81. your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
  82. the main course at potluck dinners is roadkill.
  83. you mow the front yard and find a car.
  84. your other truck is made by John Deere.
  85. you think suspenders are a type of shirt.
  86. going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a  flashlight.
  87. you keep a spit cup on the ironing board.
  88. you ever got too drunk to fish.
  89. More than one living relative is named after a southern  civil war general.
  90. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
  91. You’ve ever used lard in bed.
  92. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
  93. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouerve.
  94. There is a stuffed posum anywhere in your house.
  95. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
  96. Fewer than half of your cars run.
  97. Your mother doesn’t remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
  98. The primary color of your car is “bondo”.
  99. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
  100. You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and  cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by.
  101. Your family tree doesn’t have any branches.
  102. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
  103. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
  104. You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
  105. The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.
  106. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
  107. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
  108. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was
  109. snubbed for best picture.
  110. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
  111. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
  112. You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
  113. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
  114. You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.
  115. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.
  116. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
  117. You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
  118. Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
  119. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
  120. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is “What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?”
  121. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
  122. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
  123. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!” “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin?”
  124. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
  125. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
  126. You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
  127. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest  invention of all time.
  128. You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
  129. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
  130. You’ve ever used a weedeater indoors.
  131. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
  132. You consider a family reunion a good place to pick up girls.
  133. You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
  134. Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.
  135. You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
  136. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
  137. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
  138. You have spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
  139. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
  140. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
  141. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
  142. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
  143. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
  144. Jack Daniels makes your list of “most admired people”.
  145. You won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
  146. Your dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
  147. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
  148. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
  149. You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: “for a good  time call . .”, because you feel guilty about putting it there…
  150. Redman sends you a Christmas card.
  151. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
  152. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
  153. You participate in the “who can spit tobacco the farthest contest”.
  154. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
  155. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
  156. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
  157. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just “Misunderstood”.
  158. You’ve ever made change in the offering plate.
  159. If the fifth grade is referred to as “your senior year,”
  160. You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve…
  161. You own at least 20 baseball hats.
  162. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
  163. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
  164. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
  165. Your biggest ambition in live is to “git thet big’ole coon.  The one what hangs ’round over yonder, back’ah bubba’s barn…”
  166. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
  167. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Beurau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry
    about is if you can loose them or not.
  168. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
  169. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
  170. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
  171. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
  172. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to “Georgia on My Mind”.
  173. You call your boss “Buddy”, on a regular basis.You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
  174. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
  175. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
  176. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
  177. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
  178. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid  you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.
  179. You have flowers planted in a bathromm appliance in your front yard.
  180. Someone in your family says “Cum’n heer an’ lookit this afore I flush it.”
  181. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator
  182. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
  183. When you see a sign that says “Say No To Crack,” it reminds you to pull your jeans up.
  184. You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift
  185. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
  186. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
  187. You participate in the “who can spit tobacco the farthest contest”.
  188. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
  189. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
  190. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
  191. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
  192. You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!
  193. You gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end”
  194. “Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking
    brake set?” is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl
    make love.
  195. Your `huntin dawg’ cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
  196. You’d rather catch bass than get some (if you can’t guess…)
  197. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
  198. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
  199. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
  200. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
  201. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
  202. You’ve been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
  203. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your  fireplace.
  204. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
  205. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
  206. The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places’
  207. It’s Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
  208. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
  209. You’ve ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister’s honor.
  210. You idea of talking during sex is “Ain’t no cars coming, baby!”
  211. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job–primer red and primer gray.
  212. The tobacco chewers in your family aren’t just men.
  213. Yer mom calls ya over t’help, cause she has a flat tire…on her house
  214. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen
  215. Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get  grandma a new plug of tobacco
  216. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
  217. Ya can’t get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against  it.
  218. Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
  219. You’ve been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
  220. You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
  221. When a sign that says “Say No To Crack!” reminds you to pull up your  jeans.
  222. Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his doublewide
  223. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your  home town.
  224. You know you’re a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a  hickey.
  225. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
  226. “Buck Naked Line Dancing” isn’t a videotape, it’s “Ladies Night” at  the local bar.
  227. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they’ve got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
  228. You dated your daddy’s current wife in high school.
  229. You’re moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing  “I Will Always Love You”.
  230. You’ve ever parked a Camero in a tree.
  231. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
  232. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
  233. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty  record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).
  234. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
  235. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
  236. You’ve ever hit a deer with your car..on purpose! “
  237. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
  238. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
  239. The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
  240. Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
  241. On your job application under “SEX” you put “As often as possible”.
  242. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
  243. You’re a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets  light.
  244. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the  tractor.
  245. Your parakeet knows the phrase “Open up, Police!”.
  246. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting.
  247. In tough situations you ask yourself, “What would Curly do?”.
  248. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
  249. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.” or “Play Ball…”
  250. Your child’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers!”.
  251. Your wife’s best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.
  252. You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
  253. You bring your dog to work with you.
  254. You replace a flat tire on your truck with a tire from your house.
  255. You’ve ever put a six-pack in a casket right before they closed it
  256. Your family’s No. 1 enemy is revenuers.
  257. Your belt buckle doubles as a serving platter.
  258. You use lava soap more than three times a day.
  259. You wear cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
  260. You have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.
  261. You buy your wife tube socks at the flea market.
  262. You consider orange peels left on the coffee table as potpourri.
  263. You grow flowers in an old commode in your front yard.
  264. You can’t take a bath because beer is iced down in your tub.
  265. Your kitchen doubles as a bait store.
  266. You’ve ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.
  267. You throw a beer can out the truck window and your wife shoots it.
  268. You’ve ever fed your date french fries in a Denny’s.
  269. Going to the laundromat means cleaning out the back of the truck.
  270. Your family reunion features a chewing tobacco spit-off.
  271. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
  272. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouerve.
  273. You stand under the mistletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
  274. You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
  275. The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.
  276. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
  277. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
  278. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.
  279. Your favorite Christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
  280. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
  281. You’ve ever used a weedeater indoors.
  282. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right’
  283. You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
  284. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
  285. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
  286. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
  287. You participate in the “who can spit tobacco the farthest contest”.
  288. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
  289. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
  290. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
  291. The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places’
  292. It’s Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
  293. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
  294. You idea of talking during sex is “Ain’t no cars coming, baby!”
  295. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job–primer red and primer gray.
  296. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
  297. Ya can’t get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
  298. Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
  299. You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
  300. You come home from the garbage dump with more than you went with.

SEVEN REDNECK WORDS OF THE DAY… WHICH IS YOUR FAVORITE?

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Redneck Horoscope

Redneck Horoscope

Redneck Horoscope 

 


 

 

OKRA
Dec 22 – Jan 20

Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have
tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds
of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies!

CHITLIN
Jan 21 – Feb 19

Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they’re uncomfortable
talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something
of himself if he’s motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing
with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and
this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

BOLL WEEVIL
Feb 20- Mar 20

You have an overwhelming curiosity. You’re unsatisfied with the surface of things,
and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say,
you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their
right mind is going to marry you, so don’t worry about it.

MOON PIE
Mar 21- April 20

You’re the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It’s a cinch to
recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words
here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea.
It’s not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM
APR 21 – May 21

When confronted with life’s difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to
withdraw and develop a don’t-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become
so withdrawn, people actually think you’re dead. This strategy is probably not
psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won’t
work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH
May 22 – June 21

Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you’re always hanging around
the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf
course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive
physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS
June 22- July 23

Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the “melting pot” of
life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make
good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal
life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won’t work.
Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH
July 24 – Aug 23

Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one: Whiskers may
cause problems for loved ones. Your catfish are never easy people to understand.
You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish
should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS
Aug 24 – Sept 23

Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together
with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, thought so maybe you should
think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese
or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have
all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS
Sept 24 – Oct 23

You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who
know you best — your friends and loved ones-may find that your personality is
much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you
are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry
anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the
road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN
October 24 – Nov 22

Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody.
You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You’ve grown on the vine of life and you
feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody.
However, you too, shouldn’t have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO
Nov 23 – Dec 21

You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle.
A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects.
You are a throwback. You’re not concerned with today’s fashions and trends. You’re
not concerned with anything about today. You’re really almost prehistoric in your
interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo,
but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

It’s A Boy

It’s A Boy…


Back in the woods, a redneck’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon a baby boy was brought into the world.

“Whoa there,” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think there’s Yet another one to come.”
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

“No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern… It seems there’s yet another one in there!” cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
“Do you think it’s the light that’s attractin’ ‘em?”

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